The Snee:The Sometimes, Never, Eventually Express

FACEBOOK DOMINATES SOCK MARKET!

The 95 billion, social network phenomenon, Facebook, is poised to revolutionize the world by publicly offering shares of their IPO in the STOCK MARKET.

facebook socks money into stock market! http://www.digmlm.com/facebook-stock-symbol-fb

Mark Zuckerberg, the young and extremely wealthy facebook CEO, recognized long ago that there was an unfilled niche in the Sock Market that facebook could fill. "For too long, people have been losing money when they invest in socks. They believe that the socks they buy will give them a firm footing in the financial world. Unfortunately, sock markets are plagued by corporate monsters that sabotage investors by laundering the socks through the system until they vanish without a trace.  Once we go public, our investors will be able to bypass the sock broker and gain complete access to the free sock market place.  It’s very exciting! Our internet wizards have devised a way to help lost, laundered socks rediscover their solemates," announced Zuckerberg at Friday's press conference.

But why is this billionaire so interested in socks?  His answer may surprise you. "I grew up in a house of mismatched socks," he said. "My Mom and Dad worked hard for a living and invested a lot of their income into the sock market, but to no avail. Our socks would get dirty and worn. My Mom would fix them and wash them, and then those darned socks would....just vanish. I mean literally disappear from our home and we would be left with socks that were worn out and didn't match.Then my Mom would go out and invest her and Dad's hard earned money into a whole new set of socks, only to find that one sock from each pair would go missing. We would watch my Mom throw the single socks into a basket thinking that the other sock was going to show up in the wash, or something. But most of the time, the mate never reappeared and the sock basket just got fuller and fuller. The singleton socks languished there. Some got thrown out. Some were used inappropriately or mismatched with socks of similar color. "The worst of it is...the socks in the basket would taunt my parents; waved it in their faces that their sock investment hadn't payed. We all have heard of soccer Moms, but the original socker Moms understood exactly what it means to lose a match!"

 

 You look kind of like my mate, but something's not quite right?

"For these reasons we want facebook to go public.  Lone socks can now be matched through social networking. Just post a profile pic that captures the way the sock looks and feel on the sockmarket listings. Facebook will find and unite socks the same way it matches friends together.  "Now instead of having to buy new socks, customers can wear old socks," bragged Zuckerberg.

Many experts call Zuckerberg a megalomaniac who doesn't know his own limits. "He actually believes that he is powerful enough to repartner olds socks!" exclaimed financial analyst, Callous Cornmaker.  "I want people back on their feet again," retorts Zuckerberg."More importantly, I want to know the whereabouts of those feet, and what types of socks they want to buy!"

 

Lookie! solemate profile page launches facebook into sock market!

 

BREAKING NEWS!

Sock piles were discovered in Park City, Utah under  U.S. presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s house. He denies being involved in a laundering plot, but sources say that he appears to be taking us to the cleaners. Something is definitely stinky about his explanations.

Romney tired of being in the dog house, puts all his socks in one basket.

 

DISCLAIMER: Contents in THE SNEE are completely FICTIONAL. Please do not confuse the stock market with the sock market. There is no evidence that posting a photo of a lost sock online will help you find your solemate.

PROCLAIMER: How much money have you invested and lost in the sock market?

Here's information on facebook's well-publicized entry into the stockmarket.
 or BBC facebook business bites.

 

BIG FIVE OH TRANSFORMS UNIVERSE!

Oh! Is that an Ostrich?

Oh! I like Oranges.

Oh!  That's a big Ocean.

Oh! She's quite an Operator.

Oh! Fifty isn't THAT Old.

DISCLAIMER: THE SNEE is a fictional News Site. Do not try to transform the universe with the big five ohs unless under the supervision of a professional.

PROCLAIMER: What do five Os add up to? Check your answer by using multiplication, subtraction, and division.  For advanced mathmaticians please use an algebraic expression to explain your answer.

     All images courtesy of Google Images except for the roll in the hay.

CORONATION SIGNALS NEW ERA OF DECAY!

Princess fantasies are alive and well in Liv Freeordie who is about to turn 50 this year. As a young girl, she fantasized about being a princess, and later a queen in an exquisite castle surrounded by enchanting countryside. Her throne, a deep red velvet, would not compliment her skin tone, so she changed it to a deep purple. She imagined that her crown would be sparkly.

Then one day, her dream came true in an unexpected way when she met a kingly gentleman who wished to sweep her off her feet, onto his special couch and crown her. "Please he asked, won't you attend the coronation and be my queen tomorrow?" Liv blushed and shyly said yes to the handsome man's offer.

The following day, Liv arrived dressed in her finest apparel for the coronation. A lady in waiting led her down a long hallway to her quarters. Liv was adorned in a beautiful, neatly pressed, emerald bib with the royal seal and told to sit on the newly annointed throne until the ceremony began. Her lady in waiting then set a lovely tray of fine silver implements down besides her, and handed her a pair of sunglasses. 'They will take the glare away from all the bright lights that will be on you when we commence with the drill. The king has been custom designing your crown all night," she added. "I think it will look so good on you!"

When it was time for the ceremony to commence, the drill sargent arrived with his infantry to prepare the surface for the traditional ritual of the crowning of the queen. Liv's nerves were raw as she waited for the anticipated ceremony to begin. "Open wide", commanded the Sargent. "You want to make sure you bedazzle your subjects with a winning smile."

Liv obediently opened her mouth wide to reveal her teeth which she wished were a tad gleamier and a bit whiter.  "You're doing great," encouraged the sargent."Before you know it, the ceremony will be over and you will have a crown." "I'm such a bundle of nerves," exclaimed Liv.

"If you'd like, I can give you a numbing potion so that you will not feel so intense during the ceremony," suggested the Sargeant. "Perhaps, you should," reluctantly admitted Liv. The drill sargeant injected her with a numbing potion so that she wouldn't be spooked by the bright lights, crowds and noise.  Liv settled down as she experienced that tingly feeling run through her which left her wide smile somewhat droopy.

After some brief mumbojumbo about becoming queen, her crown was placed securely on top. The crown fit so well, and she smiled becomingly at those around her.  "Excuse me, your royal highness, the King would like a word with you", said the drill sargent. The king entered the chamber and looked at her with a somber face. "My darling queen, the coronation went extremely well, except for one catch.  You need to brush up on your responsibilites as a ruler because, though your crown suits you perfectly, I'm sorry to report (the king sighs...) the infrastructure of your kingdom is already showing signs of decay. We must clean out the erosion and fill in the gaps with silver and gold!"

Shall I schedule your appointment for tomorrow?

DISCLAIMER: Stories in THE SNEE are 100% fictional. Coronations are not always what they're "tooth cracked" up to be.

PROCLAIMER: Has anyone else dreamed of a coronation lately? If so, whose?

 

 

TIME2SPARE.CON EXCEEDS MARKET EXPECTATIONS! Soars to Top of Fortune 500!

 Is your inner metronome ticking?

Are you always looking at your watch, frantically setting your alarms, deadlines are inching up and you’re about to age into yet another decade? Or maybe your inner metronome is irregularly ticking, skipping important beats because you've let too much time go by and aren't paying attention to the state of your groove. Thanks to the success of The TIMESNATCHER, you can finally get access to some spare time which translates into.... More Time!

This catchy ad campaign was brilliantly conceived by entrepreneurial wizards, Salina LaCaloca and her partner Minni DuLopolis, after they discovered that their revolutionary time management device, The TIMESNATCHER, provided minutes upon minutes of spare time to employees.

The Time Snatcher, a retrofitted clock crown that attaches to a modernized time device, allows the user to move time forward or backward by a minute. It was developed as an antidote to the vicious side-effects of the switch to daylight saving's time when U.S. citizens are mandated to roll their clocks forward one hour. This time change is expecially hard on long time sufferers of Seasonal Ineffective Disorder. A condition that is characterized by exhaustion, moodiness, memory loss, word retrieval issues and  general loss of focus. In addition, Salina and Minnie noticed that the employee absenteeism and tardiness increased by 70% at this time of year and calculated a financial loss of nearly 6.8 million dollars.

"We know that time is money, and we were losing so much of both! The TIMESNATCHER was our solution. Boy does it work," extolled Minnie! "Now that employees have been turning their clocks forward 1 minute a day since January 14th, the company has been completely re-energized. We have less absenteeism, increased productivity and sunnier dispositions," praised Salina. But, that isn’t all that the Time Snatcher has given to this bright, eco-conscious, employee-centered company, it has also provided minutes upon minutes of spare time to employees who are now arriving earlier and earlier each day to work.

In response to overwhelming employee requests for ways to use and store this newly discovered spare time, Sagewaters launched a Time Snatcher spin-off website TIME2SPARE.CON, an exciting concept for people who want a say over how their extra minutes will be spent.

Spare some time to share the spare!

'Time to spare', a commonly used expression that is often accompanied by either a wistful tone, or a disparaging tone depending upon whether the speaker wishes he had more time, or disdainfully makes a judgment about how another person chooses to spend time, is thought to be the perfect soundbite for Sagewaters' new endeavor. "We're really invested in the idea that people want to feel positively about the limited time they have on this planet!" Salina gushed.

  TIME2SPARE.CON provides two online options:

Option 1: www.timeshare.con

Simply join Timeshare for a small fee and get a certain number of minutes per month. When you are running out of time, just log into your account and get your minutes. It’s that simple. If you don’t use all of your earned minutes, you can bank them in a time savings account to be used on an “oops my alarm didn’t go off” kind of day.

Option 2:  www.timebay.con  

This is the preferred method for people who already have some spare time and like the spontaneity of the auction stand. Here, Sagewaters employees who wish to make a little extra money can put their spare time onto the auction block. With timebay, employees simply log on with their extra minutes, set the number of minutes available, and how long they wish the bidding to go. It works a lot like ebay.  Whoever wins the auction gets the minutes. "It's just so simple! I don't know why it's taken us so long to figure it out!" chortled Minnie.

This new time2spare.con site is going public tomorrow at 8:00AM Universal Time.

Finally you can toast to your friends with an extra glass of time! So take the plunge and regain lost minutes in just a few seconds.

DISCLAIMER:  All stories in The Snee, though timely ARE NOT real.  If you are tempted to use a timesnatching device, and subtract one minute a day from your personal timekeeper, please tell your friends the idea was yours!

PROCLAIMER: Tomorrow is the big day! Remember to "spring your clocks forward' one hour after midnight! If you are interested in Seasonal Ineffective Disorder, or the benefits of Sage Water and the TimeSnatcher please refer to our archived post, SEASONAL BLUES BE GONE!

Also, a special thank you to clip art and google images for their photojournalistic prowess.